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The Bomber Guest Blogger: The Bomber’s 5 Principles of Expressing Racial Preferences in the Lifestyle

The Bomber and The Belle Guest Bloggers: 5 ACTUAL Tips for Guys Who Go Soft

The Black n Kinky Lifestyle Podcast

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Join your host Taylor Sparks as she has a very open discussion with Mr. and Mrs. Amour about how they entered into the swinger lifestyle very early on in their relationship and how that has happiliy continued for more than 18 years.  Amour Getaways travel came into fruitition because of their love of travel and recognizing that there were not any couples only or lifestyle travel agencies specializing and focusing on couples of color.  Listen in on how Mr. and Mrs. Amur talks about how they design both romantic and lifestyle vacations for sexy coupels of all persuasions but with a special focus on couples of color and the way they like to vacation.

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The Black and Kinky Podcast

The Belle and the Bomber have recorded their final episode of the season and are taking a short break while they rebrand their podcast.  Make sure to listen to their final episode, send them an email with your questions, messages of support and stay tuned for lots of new and exciting things that they have in store for you.  You do not want to miss out. 

In the meantime, check out what the Bomber has to say about how couples express themselves about who their personal racial preferences are when in comes to the lifestyle in his latest blog.  We have all had the task of filling out the “What we are looking for” section of all lifestyle platforms.    
“We don’t play with Black couples… but we will hang out with them.” I will never forget the day I was browsing on a swinger website, and I came across a couple’s profile that had that line in their “what we are looking for” section. Click here to continue reading The Bomber’s 5 Principles of Expressing Racial Preferences in the Lifestyle.

Naughty in N’awlins
 

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HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM NINA AND KENNY!!



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The Bomber in the Black n Kinky Lifestyle Podcast

“We don’t play with Black couples… but we will hang out with them.” I will never forget the day I was browsing on a swinger website, and I came across a couple’s profile that had that line in their “what we are looking for” section. The second part of the statement was clearly a “we are not racist” claim. But that is the thing about racism, it’s like drug addiction. Few people admit to it, but you can guarantee that they are probably using alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, Adderall or Ambien on a regular basis and just refuse to stop. But there are few racist assholes who have “RACIST” tattooed on their forehead. Racism is a behavioral phenomenon, labeling someone as racist is pretty useless, you just gotta listen to the shit they do and say. And when you say “we don’t play with Black people” you just said some pretty racist shit.

Like what other explanation is there other than you being a racist asshole. “We don’t play with Black people?” What is that really all about? Is it about the male partner not wanting his wife with a Black dude? I can understand, no one wants to have their wife split in two because those huge Black d*cks can be fucking lethal after all! You seen what happens to them chicks on Blacked! Lex Steel and his tattooed minions deserve the needle. Or maybe she is worried that her fair skinned prince will be taken by a Beyonce built Nubian queen who has sworn vengeance on them Beckys with the good hair. Beware of the Bey. Maybe this couple had a run in with that one Black couple that fucked it up for everybody. Dammit Rayray and Lakisha, stop bringing 40’s to these BYOB meet and greets, you are making us look bad!!

Anyway, perhaps that is not it at all, maybe I am being too harsh. Black people have had an interesting history in the lifestyle. There are Chocolate rooms in some lifestyle party settings, where black men are available to any women that will have them. The lifestyle throws around terms like BBC and queen of spades all the time, highlighting the all too common practice of fetishizing black bodies. And this couple made a stand to not be a part of that crew. There are hordes of people going for negro love and they want to tell the world that they ain’t about that life. But still, I would have liked a little more detail. What was it about Black people that made them absolutely off limits, so off limits, that they had to call them out? It’s like, they would have been willing to fuck anything or anyone else, horses, incels, devil worshipers, but Black people? Hell Nah!

So I stepped out of my circle and asked the twitter verse about this, “is there anything wrong with stating your racial preferences on your profile?” As suspected there were some variations in the responses. Besides the folks who chalked it up to racism and slipped into the typical outrage fuss, others suggested that it is just a preference. People like what they like. Boom there it was, it was as simple as that. Except, it isn’t. Race has never been simple, and that is where I think the problem is. People assume that race does not come with baggage. It fucking comes with baggage and we should accept that. But for those folks out there that don’t feel like revisiting the topics of that one race relations elective you took back in undergrade, here are a few simple principles about racial preference expressions in the lifestyles that I think you should know.

1. Having preferences or attraction to persons of your particular race is not racist, so don’t feel bad about that, this doesn’t give you an excuse to be an asshole.

 

So let’s get this out of the way because this one is easy. Science has backed up the fact that we tend to gravitate towards people like us. White people tend to go out with white people, Black people target other Black people. Attractive people tend to prefer other attractive people. Trump supports go after trump supporters, cause there is something truly special about them folks.  That is just how it works out. Of course there are exceptions, yes I am acknowledging them swirl couples out there! Do you boo! Now I’m not saying you gotta want to play with Black people. Your body is not an equal opportunity organization. But the shit you do and say fucking matters.

We have all kinds of preferences, and given that Race comes with baggage, declarations about one’s racial preferences is the issue here, not the preference itself. Think of it this way, I have a preference for people who can walk. This is likely because walking is a big part of my life, I do it all the time. And I have an attraction to people who walk. Paraplegics are not a group of people I tend to go for. Imagine I wrote that shit on my profile. We don’t play with paraplegics, or blind people, or people who have a history of sickle cell. That sounds really dickish, doesn’t it? It may have been the truth, or telling it like it is (Shout out Dave Chappelle). But I sounded like kind of a prick. And no one wants to sound like a prick. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Treating racial preference as any other preference can end up making you look like a dick.

Most dating websites, whether they are vanilla or not, ensure that users describe their preferences. That shit is important! I need to know whether you have a preference for slim dudes with skinny legs who watch StarWars and enjoy anime tentacle porn…maybe that was too specific. Anyway, people write all kinds of things, you have probably seen them:

If you mention a preference for race, or worse exclude an entire racial group on your profile, it may lead to the question as to “Why”. Do you have to explain? No. But it couldn’t hurt in some cases. But the answer to that “why” could be that you are a racist asshole. I dare ask again, why would you feel the need to put it on your profile? Do you have hordes of this non-prefered race sending you excessive messages, begging to get into your pants, drooling over your photo galleries, flooding your social media with likes, DMs and comments?

I could totally understand, you don’t want to waste anyone’s time. All those messages and inquiries you have to reply to are too dam much. Why are these people so thirsty!? Best to let them all know, I suppose. But if you don’t have this problem, why mention the preference at all? Why invite the assumption that you are a racist asshole? Of all the things you would not fuck, you had to make sure the world knew about your absolute objection to an entire race of people. It is kind of silly if you think about it. But is everyone else is on the menu? Why not declare that you don’t do criminals, mentally unstable people, killers, rapists, or people that don’t like baby Yoda? They are out there, and they might be looking at your profile right now.

3. Offensive racial preference declarations could end up cutting you off from the race that you actually prefer.

We live in a pretty diverse world and the lifestyle community itself is getting more colorful every year. Oh, we still have segregation in our community of nut busters, but times are a changin. And more event promoters desire diversity because, at the end of the day, the lifestyle can expose us to a buffet of people with different races and ethnicities and we all like buffets right? The diversity of porn categories proves it, yeah I’m talking to you pornhub. It’s all super sexy. But you know what’s not sexy? Drama and racism. And if you have a hint of it on your profile…well you might find yourself missing some invites, getting denied by sexy couples and flat out getting excluded from some erotic experiences. Because whether you are racist or not, who wants to take a chance with someone who is so opposed to another racial group that they have to make a declaration of it? Yes, remember them Whites Only signs? They were a thing once. Why make them a thing again?

4. Racial preferences can be an unnecessary ambiguity on your profile. 

Race is one of these really simple words we use to describe some complex shit. Let’s say you don’t play with Black people. Does that include bi-racial folks? Do you adhere to the one-drop rule? If not, what is the maximum amount of blackness that you can tolerate before you find yourself overdosing from exposure to swag, natural curls and shay butter? If I am an eighth black, is that too much for you? Or does it only matter if I look Black? Or is it about identifying as Black? Cause I might be trans-white or trans-asian, don’t tell me who I am dammit! Do you need to see my birth certificate? What happens when you are talking to an interracial couple? Or a couple that adopted a Black child. Spoiler alert, Halle Berry will find Isaiah. 

5. “We prefer” statements are much better than “We don’t do” statements.

Racial preference may have a place on your profile under some circumstances, but even then, you should avoid “excluding” language. If you are an individual or couple of a particular race that is a local minority and you are looking for that minority, it may make sense to mention that preference. I can imagine an Indian couple living in a Latino community, needing to make it clear that they are looking for other Indian couples. This is because most people looking at their profile will not be Indian and they don’t want to waste their time responding to message after message from people they aren’t interested in. While I’m on the subject, shout out to that Indian couple we met at the Halloween interracial party because ya’ll were SEXY AS FUCK. Call us!

The point is sometimes you are looking for something very particular in a haystack of non-particulars. Even then, you want to stick with what you prefer and not what or who you don’t want.

But then again, you might just be a racist prick looking for other racist pricks. If that is the case. Please disregard this message. And flaunt your racist spirit for all to see.

The Bomber

The Bomber in the Black n Kinky Lifestyle Podcast

Real talk for the fellas out there. Consider the following scenario: You have an attractive woman in the playroom with you now. All the drinks, dancing, talking, flirting, touching, and kissing has led to this moment. Y’all kissing, you getting aroused, you feeling on her round booty while she is stroking your jump-off. She starts getting undressed. You start by going down on her and working your magic. Her moaning is telling you you are doing your thing. So far so good.

But, once you get up to give her the business something odd happens. Perhaps it is a call on your phone, an odd look she gives your penis when you pull your pants down, a noise from the next bed, a chick that is moaning much louder than the one you are messing with bringing with it a thought of insecurity. What it is, does not matter, but whatever it is, it has taken you out of the moment.

Your erection goes from 100 to 80%. “Oh no” wait a minute, no you can’t go soft right now, *down to 75%*. She asks you if there is anything wrong. You lie and say no. *Down to 70%*. “Holy fuck” it is going down and down quick. You try to get yourself together, but the thought of failing has now implanted itself in your brain and is multiplying. “Nooo not now!” *Down to 65%*. Now the familiar feeling of panic has gripped you and you can feel beads of sweat forming on your head.

You struggle to find a condom quickly, because you know if you don’t get it on now, you are screwed. *60%*. Where the hell did you put your play bag. Oh there it is. You are now having difficulty opening the wrapper. Dam, why did this chick have to cream on your fingers so much. Oh snap she is totally ready for you and waiting. OMG! She is waiting, she is waiting for that dick and you are failing. Your hands shake as you try to get the condom on. Fuck! You are now at 55%. You can do it though, the condom reluctantly slides on like it knows it did not sign up for this bullsh*t.

You open those legs to give it to her. If you can only get it in and get your rhythm going, everything will be alright. But you try to push it in, it goes in for a little while, she moans. Man she must be faking it, this is not me right now. *50%* . It bends and slips out. Now she knows. *45%*. She backs up and gets you on your back. She is frustrated. No, she is going to give you head. That’s good. She takes the condom off to give you head. You are trying to enjoy it, but you just can’t shake the feeling that it is a pitty blow job. A blow job that is necessary but not wanted. Now, even as it is in her mouth you are falling and rapidly approaching 30%…20….10. Now there is no controlling it. Despite the intensity in which her head is bobbing up and down on your dick, you are not responding. Now there is no denying it. The lips are among the most sensitive parts of the body and your dick is ratting on you like it got caught up with the feds. It is saying to her that you failed, you are a loser, you blew it…

The lifestyle has shown me that being able to maintain an erection is a struggle that many men face. Especially when 1) they are in environments where they may be watched and are plagued by the pressures to perform like porn stars in front of an adoring crowd, 2) they might have one shot to impress a new partner with their sexual prowess and 3) they often have to put on a condom which, although necessary, can be Kryptonite to your average stiffy. Erectile dysfunction is a real problem among many men, and often it can have some reasonably clear physiological causes. But this post is not for those men. I am speaking to all the men out there that got an unwelcome visit from the flaccid fairy during those critical moments in the bedroom. This post is for those who don’t know what to do when, out of nowhere, IT GOES SOFT.

The internet is full of advice about what to do about ED, and honestly, none of it was helpful for me. You hear the same old tale of eating right, exercising, losing weight, reducing your alcohol intake blah blah mothaf*cking blah. I know plenty of men that are very much in shape, have not touched a drug in their lives, and they are still not immune to occasional break out of limpdicktitis. Not to say that these health habits are not important, but they are not the answer to everything. So I decided to close the gap and provide an honest set of tips and guidelines on how to deal with deadbeat erections with a habit of abandoning us when we need them most.

  1. Your flaccid Johnson is not the enemy, erectile anxiety is, and it must be killed on sight. You must consider it as something outside of yourself and it must be discarded, marched into the woods, shot and buried 6 feet deep. Then you have to find it’s family and friends and make an example out of them too! If you see it creeping up, your primary objective is to fight it back, trying to get hard is secondary and cannot happen in the presence of your enemy. Arousal and worrying about whether you will get hard tonight, can rarely exist in the same space.
  2. Recognize that Hard d*ck dependency can be another form of sexual dysfunction. Do not chase after a hard dick and neglect your flaccid one. Both are important and are deserving of appreciation and attention. If it’s not hard, pull other tricks out of your bag and focus on those. Through that focus, arousal is more likely to come naturally. Eat, finger, touch, caress, lick, massage and allow tension to build. Somebody got excited reading that one ;).  You will find that many of the sexiest experiences you can have does not always require you to “stick it in.
  3. When your body says “no” it means “NO!”: You can rarely force an erection so stop trying. It is like committing a sexual assault on yourself. Think about the last time you wacked it. *Likely within the last hour if you are a man reading this right now.* When you are sitting down and watching porn, count how many times you had to think yourself into getting hard. Arousal usually does not take a lot of thinking, although it can benefit from a bit of imagination.
  4. Get comfortable with the situation and confident in your sexuality. This might be difficult when going soft at first, but there are things you can do to practice. Try meditating 5-10 minutes a day. Search for apps on mediation and there are also YouTube videos that provide some good guiding tips. These may help you build a habit of appreciating the NOW and being PRESENT. It also helps avoid negative thoughts (including those about your missing erection) from distracting you from the buffet of sexiness that might be before you. It may *and prepare yourself for this one* allow you to fully accept and embrace the possibility that, you may not be engaging in full penetrative sex at the moment. Might not be ideal, but it is better than walking with your head down, ruminating on your failures as the mandingo super fly sexual beast you were born to be, and annoying your partner with excuses and excessive claims about how “this usually doesn’t happen.
  5. Magic pills can be effective but dangerous, so do your research. There are plenty of supplements and drugs on the market that can give you the edge to turn your hank into a Hulk with plenty of stamina behind him. However, there are a few things to know about these methods. Supplements may not be FDA approved and may carry some health risks. But they can be very effective at making it easy to get stiffer and long-lasting erections and can remain active in your system for a few days. Some of the more popular brands include Rhino’s, Horny goat weed, and Extenze. You can purchase these online or at just about any gas station.  Drugs like Viagra and Cialis have also been effective for men suffering from ED. Cialis has been rated better than Viagra, as it may last longer and give you more control over your erection. Don’t even think about taking any of this stuff without consulting with a medical professional! You need to be alive to get it in, so be careful out there.

PEACE.

The Bomber!

For more tips from the Bomber and the Belle, check out The Black n Kinky Lifestyle Podcast

The Black n Kinky Lifestyle Podcast was created by a Black married professional couple that has embraced the sexy swinger lifestyle. They use this podcast to share the unique perspectives of Black couples that is relatively absent from the broader discussion of non-monogamy. The information they share is aimed at helping other Black couples who are thinking about exploring non-monogamy or have already dared to traverse the swinger lifestyle and just want to listen to the steamy details of their adventures meeting couples, engaging in orgies, and attending the hottest swinger clubs in the country.  They talk about everything from the do’s and don’ts of bringing others into your bedroom, transparent communication, and keeping things sexy in and out of the bedroom.

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Guest Bloggers:  The Belle and The Bomber

So glad we found [Amour Getaways]! Great people, great vibe, positive energy and oh so welcoming. The WV cabin getaway is awesome! Thanks so much for a great time! We will definitely make travel plans when they are hosting.

 

E and J, Texas 8/2018

 

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