VelvetLips Guest Blogger: Have You Tried to Get a Little Kinky, Lately?

VelvetLips Guest Blogger: Make Your Own Porn!

VelvetLips Guest Blogger: Too Busy for Sex?

VelvetLips Guest Blogger: Simple Sex Club Etiquette

Marla Renee Stewart: Professional Sex, Intimacy and Relationship Coach and Sex Educator

Reba Corrine Thomas: Entertainer, Sexuality Educator, Entrepreneur

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Marla Stewart in Sex Arsenal Blog

When is the last time you tried to do a new sexual move to really turn your partner on? How invested are you into trying something new and different?

​Sometimes, we all get a little stuck in doing the same things in bed over and over again and though it’s arousing at the time, the need to switch up happens to all of us. And of course, we all know the need of foreplay and its important role.

​However, what if you had an extensive type of foreplay? Or what if the foreplay was an intentional, consensual act that was named and boundaries were established and thought through thoroughly?

​For me, kink has those elements. It’s not just about being freaky, but really thinking about all your boundaries at hand. Most of us know what a little kink is – a spank here, a slap there, scratches everywhere. Or some of us might think that kink is a little more than we can handle and aren’t really prepared for where it might take our minds. 

​More recently, being kinky means that you are engaged in the BDSM world. BDSM stand for 

​|BD| – Bondage/Discipline
|Ds| – Domination/Submission
|SM| – Sadism/Masochism

​But at the same time, you don’t have to identify as a kinkster to engage in BDSM or do kinky things. Known BDSM behavior, such as spanking can be extremely titillating because there are so many feelings that are brought up during the interaction. You can reflect about how you feel about them spanking you, about your feelings of spanking someone else, what kind of memories it brings up and being focused enough to be absorbed in the moment. You can think about what your body parts feel like, what the pain and/or pleasure feeling that you’re experiencing or how you can stand to push yourself to your own erotic limits. 

​Teaching your lover about kink can be just as sexy. Thinking about how you want to engage with your lover and how you can inflict good pain that heightens your arousal levels will help you reach towards actively engaging with your sexual life. Knowing your lover’s limits and not knowing your lover’s limits can be an eye-opening experience, especially if you find yourself really loving to engage with your lover on a new level. 

​Being engaged with kink can also have the effects of healing past traumas as well. Active role-playing gets your place yourself where you know those hurtful feelings are harbored and move beyond them towards peace and healing in your own life. It’s only when we’re healed that we are able to heal others, especially on this journey called life. 

​So with that said, I encourage you to look into kink, participate in some kinky action and see what you like. We’re not all Fifty Shades of Grey, but it’s nice to get some redness and bruising every once in a while. 

Marla Stewart in Sex Arsenal Blog

After I spoke at the Frost Science Museum in Miami about the Science of Seduction, I had all sorts of people coming up to me asking me different questions.  There was this beautiful, young couple who approached me about watching porn.  The young woman didn’t want her boyfriend watching porn because she felt like that was cheating on her.  She prompted that he didn’t need to cheat on her with the porn because she would be available for him to do whatever he pleased.

He claimed that because they both live with their parents, he found the porn to be convenient when he needed to relieve that sexual tension.  He didn’t feel like it was cheating and he felt fine consuming the type of porn he was watching.

My suggestion?  Make your own porn!

That way, he can look at it when he’s not around her and therefore, she would feel like he’s not cheating on her because he’ll be looking at her body and not anyone else’s.  She was super excited to get that done and I felt like I helped a couple find another way to bond when they aren’t around each other.

For those of you who are interested, here are some tips for making your sex videos!

Set the Scene.  In the videos, you do not want distractions.  For instance, you probably would prefer not to have pictures of your kids and family members in the background, a messy bedroom, or an open closet.  Clutter-free is better unless there are some sex toys that you’d like to have placed for strategical distractions.

Get Many Perspectives.  There aren’t a lot of films that are made with a female point-of-view, so I think this one would be useful when you’re trying to turn on your woman.  Have her hold the camera/phone for this particular aspect.  Going through many positions can ensure that you have a variety of perspectives and if you have the whole place to yourself, you can definitely get in many different scenes for different feels.  Don’t forget to share the camera!

Use Your Private Storage.  I know some of you probably know this already, but using your work phone for personal use is a no-go.  Also, using your personal phone on company wi-fi is a no-go.  Do not store your videos on your work computer or in work folders.  Make sure that you have your own personal cloud storage or private hard drive that you can put your videos on.  For those folks who are exhibitionists, feel free to let that freak flag fly and release that video how you please!  As long as no one is harmed from it, I’m all for it!

Watch & Enjoy!  Yes, most of us have body image issues, but the point of the porn is to really get turned on by you and your lover(s) and see/embody the sexual chemistry that you all have.  Take this as an opportunity to experience your lover(s) in a different way and check it off your sexual bucket list!

makeout

Cheers to your sexual success! 

I read an article this past week about a 100-year-old sex therapist who is still practicing.  She’s practiced so long that she’s seen the changes from the “frantic” sexual revolution to the current information age where people are constantly busy in the rat race.  So busy, in fact, that people are having less sex because they’re too tired or stressed or inundated with so much information that their mind doesn’t want to go there because sex is almost burdensome, as just another “thing” on their list.

If this is something that you have been through or if it’s something that you are currently going through, here are some strategies to help you boost your sex life.

#1 – Embrace a “no technology day.”  With all the information being thrown at us, getting rid of your technology for a day helps you to find other ways to get connected.  Going out with friends, spending quality time with your partner or doing something creative will help you take your mind off of your cell phone and other technological distractions.   Another strategy would also be to turn off your cell phone for a certain period of time every single day and make a habit out of spending quality time with your lover.

#2 – Plant a sex seed.  If sex is on your mind, warm them up by planting a sex seed.  A sex seed could be anything from a sexy note or text in the morning to bigger hints, like leaving a sex toy somewhere where your partner can find it.  Whatever it is, use the sex seed as a hint so that sex will be on their mind all day.  Whether you have sex that day or not, at least, it will be on their mind and hopefully, follow-through will happen within the next two days.  Look at it as long-term foreplay. J

#3 – Learn to say “no” and limit the amount of things that you are involved in.  This is personally a hard one for me because I love taking on new projects and working on all sorts of things.  However, getting involved in too many things hinders the amount of time that you could be having sex.  In addition, if you’re partnered, sharing household responsibilities also helps to free up time for more sex.

Using these 3 tactics will help revitalize your sex life because not only are you limiting the amount of stress in your life, but you are also creating space for new and exciting things for your sexual life.  Being creative with your life helps you to manage all the things in your life, all while making minimal effort.

Cheers to your sexual success!

I’ve been to many, many, sex clubs and they all have their own little unique quirks.  Every single one of them are fun in their own way.  Some of have dungeons, some have private and group sex rooms, and some have pools, hot tubs, and buffets.

Whether you’ve been to a sex club in your past or you’re curious about what a sex club is like, here are a few simple rules to follow when you attend:

  • Activate your extrovert. Most people who go to the sex clubs are generally extroverted and love to socialize.  If you are an introvert, this is a good time to activate and practice your social skills, especially since most people tend to be ultra-friendly in these clubs.  Engage like you have never engaged before. What do you have to lose?
  • Be open to the possibilities. Not only should you try to be open to being looked at, but you should try to be open to looking and venturing out to see what kind of things you can get into.  There have been some times where I’ve walked in with my riding crop and was able to spank random folks for fun.
  • Be respectful and don’t yuck someone else’s yum. Remember, there are all sorts of people that are in these environments, so it’s best to come into these spaces with a non-judgmental attitude about whatever sexual acts that may occur.  Like you, we all have our different quirks that turn us on, so respect other people who foster their own sexual desires.
  • Accept “No” for an answer. If you’re like me, you might get aggressive when flirting with someone.  Or maybe you are so attracted to someone that you just want to jump their bones right then and there.  Either way, you need to understand that they might not want you.  That’s right.  Although you may think you are fantastic, you have to understand that not everyone would be into you and who you are.  And that’s okay.  Like Paulo Coelho says, “don’t take it personal.”  Take it as a sign as there are bigger and better things coming your way and that “no” has just put you on to an even more wonderful opportunity.  Remember, when one door shuts, another one opens, so go find that door.
  • It’s not a competition. Some folks want to go into sex clubs hoping that they can beat the world record on how many people they can fuck in a night.  You don’t have to do that.  I mean, it’s okay if you want to, but know that no one else is competing in this so-called competition.  The point of being here is to have fun, let loose, and enjoy the experience.  This is a place where everyone gets a ribbon.  😉

If you do these things, you are sure to have a good time at the sex club.  Just know that you don’t have to be pressured into doing anything that you don’t want to do.  Invoke your sexual desires, but be okay with rejection.  Everyone is there to have fun, and so should you.

Cheers to your sexual success!

Marla StewartMarla Renee Stewart, MA is a professional sex, intimacy and relationship coach and sex educator. Not only is she a lecturer at Clayton State University, she is also the co-founder of the Sex Down South Conference and the Sexual Liberation Collective. Gaining her reputation for being “The Sex Architect”, she created Velvet Lips to empower people of all ages to embrace, educate and enjoy their sexuality and their sexual lives. She has studied human sexuality for more than 16 years at San Francisco State University and Georgia State University, respectively, and has expert knowledge in a wide variety of subjects. She has published academic articles and continues to do sexuality research. She has conducted workshops at conferences, not-for-profit and private organizations, as well as universities in the Atlanta area. She has been featured on many radio shows, documentaries, books, magazines and has been invited to speak at Universities around the country. She also sits on the board for the Atlanta Harm Reduction Coalition and SPARK Reproductive Justice Now!
VelvetLips, LLC Guest Blogger
Listen to her interview with the Belle and the Bomber on the Black n Kinky Podcast.

Reba Thomas is a sexuality educator, entertainer and full-time entrepreneur.  In 2015 she founded Sexpert Consultants LLC, a company that is bridging the sexual health education gap through live events and online courses that teach adults about basic human sexual anatomy and sexual response cycles, promote sexual health and wellness, and improve communication around sexual desires and concerns. Reba is a member of Women of Sex Tech and also serves as an ambassador for the American Sexual Health Association (ASHA) and Planned Parenthood of Metropolitan Washington (PPMW).

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