VelvetLips Guest Blogger: What’s Your Sexual Appetite?

VelvetLips Guest Blogger: Too Busy for Sex?

Organic Loven

Marla Stewart in Sex Arsenal Blog

Last week, when Jet Setting Jasmine and I were talking about Religious Trauma in our Guilty Pleasures Support Group, as it pertains to shame and guilt around certain sexual behaviors and identities, Jasmine talked about navigating your sexual appetite and what that looks like.  In other words, if we think about sex like we think about food, sometimes there are days when we want something specific and other times we just like what we like.

We can apply this to sexual wants, needs, and behaviors.  Just because I want anal sex today, doesn’t mean that I will want it the next day or even the rest of the week or month.  We need to be considerate when it comes to our sexual feelings, as well as our partner’s sexual feelings; and it’s super important to constantly be in communication about what you want and need about a particular sexual experience.

For instance, if I’m not going to be able to see my lover for a long time, I need to communicate to my lover about what my sexual appetite is and what needs to happen for me to mentally bathe in the sexual bliss that I want for my lover and I to create.  Maybe I want to ensure that oral sex is involved (I’m sure I do!) and that there is an emotional connection that is filled with passion and raw energy.  If in the moment, and it’s not happening, I will/need to speak up about what I need to ensure that I will have a good time during sex.  I don’t want sex to end and not get what I want because ultimately, I won’t be satisfied and I’ll start to disconnect from my lover; which is ultimately my fault.  A lot of times, and especially those folks who were socialized as female, like to think that people can read our minds, when that’s not the case.

The behaviors are going to be different for different kinds of sexual experiences.  A quickie may look very different than a sex date and your wants and needs might be varying.  BUT!  It doesn’t mean that you can’t have different sexual behaviors for those things that you’re doing.

Essentially, this is the spice of your sex life!  Think about all the different sexual behaviors that you like to do, as well as all of the sexual behaviors that you’d like to have in your repertoire and keep a list of them in your drawer/journal/tape it on the wall.  Sometimes, we need this as a reminder of the things that we want to do that we have been forgetting about for a while now and this can even facilitate some much needed sexual conversation in your relationship, especially if you haven’t engaged in a particular liked behavior in a long time.

Also, when it comes to your sexual appetite, it’s not only behavior, but it’s also about frequency.  Yes, there are people who have a high libido, but even us folks who have a high libido go through ebbs and flows of sexual desire in whether we want to have sex or not.  So think about this the next time you are feeling sexually indulgent or feeling sexual lack, and know that your appetite is there to be moderated by you – the most important person in your life.

Cheers to your sexual success!

I read an article this past week about a 100-year-old sex therapist who is still practicing.  She’s practiced so long that she’s seen the changes from the “frantic” sexual revolution to the current information age where people are constantly busy in the rat race.  So busy, in fact, that people are having less sex because they’re too tired or stressed or inundated with so much information that their mind doesn’t want to go there because sex is almost burdensome, as just another “thing” on their list.

If this is something that you have been through or if it’s something that you are currently going through, here are some strategies to help you boost your sex life.

#1 – Embrace a “no technology day.”  With all the information being thrown at us, getting rid of your technology for a day helps you to find other ways to get connected.  Going out with friends, spending quality time with your partner or doing something creative will help you take your mind off of your cell phone and other technological distractions.   Another strategy would also be to turn off your cell phone for a certain period of time every single day and make a habit out of spending quality time with your lover.

#2 – Plant a sex seed.  If sex is on your mind, warm them up by planting a sex seed.  A sex seed could be anything from a sexy note or text in the morning to bigger hints, like leaving a sex toy somewhere where your partner can find it.  Whatever it is, use the sex seed as a hint so that sex will be on their mind all day.  Whether you have sex that day or not, at least, it will be on their mind and hopefully, follow-through will happen within the next two days.  Look at it as long-term foreplay. J

#3 – Learn to say “no” and limit the amount of things that you are involved in.  This is personally a hard one for me because I love taking on new projects and working on all sorts of things.  However, getting involved in too many things hinders the amount of time that you could be having sex.  In addition, if you’re partnered, sharing household responsibilities also helps to free up time for more sex.

Using these 3 tactics will help revitalize your sex life because not only are you limiting the amount of stress in your life, but you are also creating space for new and exciting things for your sexual life.  Being creative with your life helps you to manage all the things in your life, all while making minimal effort.

Cheers to your sexual success!

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T and S, Virginia 4/2018


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